It’s been quite a while since my last post and since then a LOT happened. The best way I can summarise this journey so far is OPTIONS OPTIONS and more OPTIONS. Not easy exciting options, no! All options are loaded with emotional weight and pain!
When IVF failed…
I did do one round of IVF which the NHS allowed me to have even if I didn’t meet the ideal metrics. Apparently my case was discussed with the board and was accepted thanks to my being young.
Unfortunately, I did not produce eggs. It was quite heartbreaking to wait and pray hoping at least some of them would grow to no avail. Eventually, the hospital cancelled me and told me it was over.
“You have to be realistic. You are in the highest dosage of hormones and it’s not responding. You need to look into egg donation…”
Egg donation = mental circus
Egg donation is an attractive option because you get to experience pregnancy but oh boy is it a totally mind f#*k!
First of all it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you will NEVER have your own genes on your baby. When someone says “Oh your baby looks like…” you know that can never be you.
You have the option of asking someone you know and trust to donate eggs for you. Something I discovered to be the most emotionally charged and disappointing exercise. I wanted this option because at least I know and love the person giving me the egg. That person would never miss their egg, it’s safe and it could be a great bond uniting us thanks to that gift. Well it’s not quite so simple. Most people say they will give eggs when they first hear but when it appears to be real, it becomes too much to bear and they back out. I don’t judge because I know it’s a difficult decision and it’s theirs to make.
What I learned is that I wish I had eggs, and if I did, I would make it a priority to donate them every year to help the people that are struggling and dealing with this pain.
The reality settled that I would have to pursue the anonymous donor route. I found a clinic in Spain that has a shorter waitlist (months compared to 3 years in the UK) and started the process.
To be frank, this option hurt me and every time I thought about it, I felt a hole in my stomach. Consequently, I never wanted to speak about it and even though my husband and I were looking at it, it’s the least committed I have ever been at pursuing something.
Eventually, after several months and appointments with the clinic. I started not looking forward to it… but almost. I felt at peace with this choice. It helped that Mika took me on a dinner and forced me to speak about it and when I did and shared all my fears it stopped being painful.
Then there is adoption…
Adoption is a hard one too but for some reason I have always felt that I wanted to adopt. Granted, I wanted some babies of my own first but I would love to give a child that suffers better opportunities and love.
Ideally, I liked overseas adoption because you get an actual baby (6-12 months old) but I also started investigating in the UK, where they mostly give you grown children (up to 7 years old), of minorities or disabilities. Mika and I have an introduction appointment coming up and we will see how we feel. This process usually takes year so we think it’s good to start it now.
Where to now?
There you have it in terms of some of the options we have pursued. Stay tuned!